but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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