ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
