yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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