My liver just broke up with me...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
