I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
