a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
