I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
