just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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