Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
