her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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