some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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