Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need to sanitize my soul.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
