im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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