so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
