Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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