she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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