She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
