We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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