We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
well, you know. whores of a feather.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
