can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
