Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My bed smells like the plague
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
