the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
