i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's never too late to be topless.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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