Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
