She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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