just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
