I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
