I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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