I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Congratulations! We have a period
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