i just google imaged poop.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
