Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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