Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
