It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
