When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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