Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Even my vagina gasped.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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