Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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