Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
