It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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