I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize