under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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