i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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