I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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