I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
