We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
