i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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