JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
