I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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