is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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