you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
