I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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